Wednesday, October 25, 2006

What Blogging has come to mean to me...

Blogging to me in the beginning was a way to cleanse my innermost thoughts. A medium to air all the conflicts and clashes that collected like grime and fogged my mind and soul. I did not have the courage to express my opinions to others clearly. I would try to but when the other person was louder and more vehement, then I would just clam up after a time; but the thoughts and words would keep struggling to come to the outside. For this purpose I resorted to blogging- I had this need to be honest, completely honest to myself. I felt stifled with the veneer of politeness that one had to adopt in daily life to avoid confrontations, to ensure peace; and blogging was the outlet for me- it gave me clarity of thought, it helped me sort out things within myself and then move on without pending accounts. - (Eternal Quest). I wanted to express thoughts and ideas that I wouldn’t acknowledge to real life me. (Deliverance). Needless to say, the encouraging comments from the other bloggers helped a lot.

And for this, I started out with a pseudonym- how I coined the name Ardra Vamshi is no longer a clear memory. I always liked the sound of the name Ardra- I liked the meaning too I guess. Anyway for me it was just a pseudonym- an anonymous mask I wore. I’m not very sure as to what I wanted to hide. I think that I wanted to give voice to certain sounds, words that I would not be able to express in the real world.

Time and again, we feel bound to stick to definitions of ourselves sometimes given to us by others or sometimes as we perceive ourselves; and that somehow curbs our spontaneous responses, gestures, actions. Sometimes these boxes are deliberately created by us and sometimes they evolve on their own without us being aware of it. People around us form their own perceptions of us coloured by their own experiences and attitudes; and when they respond to us accordingly, we unconsciously react according to these perceptions, thus fulfilling their perceptions of us. The image cultivation is not deliberate, it just evolves. However, at times we might deviate from these perceptions...we inadvertently provide a glimpse to the real us now and then and slowly the veneer between the real and the virtual dissolves.

Ardra- when she started blogging was a different person- then the other bloggers began responding in a particular way, and Ardra was evolving accordingly. Though Ardra was definitely a part of N; but only in parts. I realized that in spite of the pseudonym- an assumed identity, I still was expressing only selectively. Though my blogs have always been spontaneous, I saw that I had chosen to explore only certain aspects of my life on my blogs; not because I wanted to keep some aspects hidden but only because I was comfortable that way. I realized that Ardra could not be different from N.

Gradually, more of N spilled thru into Ardra and now I think Ardra and N have merged into a single identity. There is no longer a need to vent or rant; at least nothing that I wouldn’t be able to sort out in Real life either. Now it’s only about talking, conversing, sharing. I’ve become comfortable with my thoughts, reactions and ideas. I’ve become comfortable with whatever perception other bloggers may form about Ardra. This acceptance has come about because most bloggers I read are very honest, very brave about expressing themselves and most bloggers too accept the honesty non judgmentally.

And seeing my
thoughts crystallised into words on the coloured template on the monitor gives me a strange sense of high which eliminates all the negativity within me, and I’m at peace with the world and Life :-)

My first post ( on sulekha)- a creative attempt-

An offering from my Heart

Monday, October 23, 2006

My Blogging style?

What is your basic writing style?

I’m not sure if I have a writing style. I just use language to express my thoughts or sometimes lack of thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions.

What do you tend to express best?

Emotions. Feelings?

What do you find hard to accomplish ?

Post on a daily basis. I get stuck many times. I wish to write more often, not just here but also on my
Creative Dabbles page.

How long do you take over compiling a post?

That depends on my mood, motivation and what I’ve to say. When I’m inspired, I do it in a matter of minutes, the words just tumble out in a hurry to escape. I don’t attempt if I don’t feel like it. Of late, I feel my thoughts and words have become repetititve.

Do you feel the urge to make a post everyday or atleast every other day, because you enjoy blogging or do you post only when there is something definite to say?

I wish I could post something interesting every other day atleast. I feel incomplete if I don’t post . I don’t post necessarily to say something specific. Its more a result of some strong feeling, thought and when my mind is empty of thoughts it shows in my posts too.

Do you work on multiple posts at a time saved as drafts or do you work single mindedly from post to post.?

No, I don’t work on multiple posts- except when I used to post a series on my childhood memories ,
Hostel life and then a few movie stories that I posted in episodes. For thes, I used to compile the matter at one go and then post them one after the other. I remember how I could hardly wait for the next day to post the next episode.

Any particular time of day or night that you generally post during? While at work or from home?

During the day, after I finish the chores around my home. I post from home.

Has blogging helped you in any way? If so how?

Oh yes, Blogging has helped in more than one way. I have enjoyed translating my thoughts into words and then having it out here on the net . It has given me a sense of satisfaction, it has introduced me to many nice people and I’ve made many friends this way. It has given me glimpses into varied ideas, perspectives, experiences. I’ve enjoyed marveling the writing skill of some of the bloggers- their writing style, skill over the language, sense of humour.

How long have you been blogging?

I first started blogging in Sulekha in June 2003. I started recording my thoughts on Twilight Musings in December 2004.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

My sons’ room is always in a state of mess- and whenever I enter their room they go into panic mode. The bed would be littered with books, clothes- the floor strewn with bags, papers- their desk is a treasure trove. Sometimes when I tell them to tidy up they just push things under the bed. Yesterday as I sashayed into their room, both of them ran after me- and pointed to the door- there was this hand made poster stuck to it which said

NO MOMS ALLOWED-(* esp Moms with sharp canines)

* an allusion to my Dracula tooth

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Crossing Milestones

Life is a continuing series of milestones; to where, one is not sure. We just keep crossing each as we go and mostly its only after we cross one do we realize the significance.

The week before last, we had relatives coming over for a few days from Kerala. We went with them on a trip. We went without my elder son. He was Home Alone for the first time- that is overnight. He has stayed back many times when we went for short outings. Well, this time he was to represent his school in a few Interschool competitions and there was no way he could accompany us. I was a bit apprehensive, but he was thrilled to stay back on his own. My husband too felt that we should allow him to stay back. After a million instructions, we left without him. My younger son was in tears as he waved Goodbye to his ettan (elder brother). It was not a long trip, we would be back by the next evening.

Anyways, he managed well- without ME! I was happy, relieved and yet there was a vague sense of loss…Because it reminds me that I’m slowly nearing the phase when he will become truly independent and realise that I’m having mixed feelings.

Today, when I’m composing mails/ blogs, and they intrude into my thoughts, I sometimes get impatient and ask them to leave me alone - tomorrow when they leave the nest- will my space and time mock me?

Of late, I’ve been reading so many tags abt “Heights”-concerning babies/ toddlers of the bloggers. And I find myself yearning to be around a baby, hold, cuddle a baby…

Monday, October 16, 2006

Stagnant thoughts

I’m so bored- bored with my style of writing, bored with my thoughts, bored with my words, sentences - so much that though I feel the need to post, I don’t feel like posting what I write. I want to write differently- each time. But I don’t know how to- this is the only way I can. I go bloghopping around at least 100 blogs- covering my blog roll and the other list that I’ve collected on my list of favourites in my PC- and I wish I could write like some of them.

I realize that had I been a reader of my posts, I wouldn’t have added my URL to my list of favourites. I do like some of them but those were written long ago.

But like I said this is the way I write and I know no other way. I seem to draw a blank now. I feel the need to express in words but I’m not satisfied with the attempts. What could be the reason, I try to delve- lack of topics, lack of thoughts, lack of vocabulary- I don’t know. I’m just bored I guess. In spite of the need to reach out to the virtual world- in spite of the need to write for my own self, I’m still unable to do so. Actually, I’ve picked up a couple of tags while bloghopping and kept it in reserve- to post when I feel the need desperately.

I first entered blogging through Sulekha- in June 2003. I steeped into the arena gingerly, with hesitant steps not knowing what to expect, but gradually there formed this circle of bloggers with whom one became friends. It was such fun and these friends were as dear to me as my real life friends. But with time, changes happened.

Today, when I go to Sulekha, I can see a similar camaraderie among the current bloggers there. Now, when I go there, I feel the feeling that one feels when one visits one’s College campus after many years. One remembers the familiar landmarks, the sense of belonging/ proprietorship with nostalgia.. However, to the current generation one is an outsider and that seems strange. One feels like going up to them and telling them- "Excuse me, I too belonged here once, and by the way, you’re stepping on my footprints". :-)
May be thats how Rip Wan Winkle must've felt when he woke up after years.
But then it does not matter. Nothing matters. No regrets. It just is. And I accept it.

My pc crashed yet again the other day, and once again I lost the list of favourites that I had stored in my pc- those other than the ones on my blogroll. And I’m painstakingly compiling them again. I go bloghopping on every site on both my lists, but I hardly comment these days. This is because I do most of my reading offline and hence it is difficult to post comments on the spur of the moment. Besides by the time I reach the different blogs, everything to be said would’ve already been said and so I leave no footprints.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I was tagged by Aalapana many days ago, but being busy cud not get down to this earlier. Compiling this one was difficult because one has too many favourites. However enjoyed doing this one.

Your favourite lyricist and the lyrics you remember the most:


Haath chhoote bhi to rishte nahin choda karte
Waqt ki shakh se lamhein nahin toda karte…
( Maraasim- Jagjit Singh)

Your favourite song on friendship

Tho this song was not about Friendship, a very dear friend used to sing this song during college days- and we associate eachother with this song and so it has become synonymous with Friendship for me-

Tum mujhe yoon bhula na paaoge
Jab kabhi bhi sunoge geet mere
Sang sang tum bhi gungunaaoge…
( pagla kahin ka- Mohammed Rafi)

Best song portraying life’s emotions; about life, full of life

Zindagi milke bitaayenge hale dil gaake sunaayenge
Hum to saat rang hai
Yeh jahaan rangeen banaayenge
( Satte pe satta)

Ramayya Vastavayya (Shri 420)

Which song are you humming today?

Who lamhein who baatein
Koi na jaane
Thi kaisi ratein
Who bheegi bheegi yaadein…

One song which brings tears to your eyes

Tere mere milan ki yeh raina
Naya koi gul khilaayegi
Abhi to chanchal hai teri naina
Dekho na…
Nanha sa gul khilega angana
Sooni bayya sajegi sajna
( Abhimaan- Kishore Kumar, Lata)

A song which gives you hope, reason to try again and again, a reason to say that life is beautiful

Dukh bhare din beete re bhaiyya
Ab such aayo re
Rang jeevan mein naya laayo re
( Mother India)

When you want to be with yourself, silent and content but with music, with song would that be?

Saanjh dhale gagan tale
Hum kitne ekaaki

If you have to express your love for someone with a song which would that be

I’ve many songs for this situation:

Hamein tum se pyaar kitna
Yeh hum nahin jaante
Magar jee nahin sakte tumhare bina

Na jiya laage na
Tere bina mera kahin
Jiya laage naa…

Chalo dildaar chalo
Chand ke paar chalo
Hum hai tayyar chalo
( Paakeeza)

Bahon mein chale aao..
Ho, hum se sanam kya parda
( Anamika)

Five songs which you listen to the most

Very difficult to limit these to 5:

Abhi na jaao chhodkar
Ki dil abhi bhara nahin
( Hum Dono- Mohammed Rafi, Asha)

Piya bina piya bina baasiyaan ( Abhimaan)
Roz roz daali daale
kya likh jaaye bhavra...baavra
( Angoor)

Megha chaayi aadhi raat …( Sharmilee- Lata)

Mil gayi aaj do lehrein kuchh is tarha
Ab na manzil mile to koi gam nahin
(Yeh Vaada Raha)