Nov23
It is still raining-
I think I need to have another blogspot- an anon one- not that this place is frequented by many but still sometimes I need to rave and rant- and I need to do this with aplomb without the niggling fear that I might hurt somebody – I first started blogging to assume an anon persona, but slowly, a new persona evolved on its own and the few people that I got familiar with began associating a particular character to my name- and now I’m imprisoned within this image- and there are times when I want to trespass beyond the boundaries of this virtual persona-
I don’t usually have much to rant and rave about- I’m pretty contented with things as they are..but sometimes it so happens that I have so much to say, but I cannot speak out for fear that I might hurt someone- I’m obsessed about not wounding anybody- even when I get angry- so I just withdraw and seethe in silence- I cannot argue, I hate voices raised in conflict- so I prefer silence- and just because I listen in silence with apparent placidity, people do tend to go overboard – they get the impression that this woman will listen to just about anything and we might as well subject her to whatever it is that we’ve to say- it has happened to me umpteen times- the speaker gets carried away with the fervor of their opinions and they don’t notice how it might be affecting me- I’ve often felt that somehow my body language gives the impression that I need guidance- I need to be enlightened and most people – even those younger at times just go on a binge doling out advice, pointing to me how I’ve erred …Its been the story of my Life…
I’ve only me to blame, because I rarely summon the guts to inform them that they perhaps were mistaken- I keep thinking my words might hurt them- and then once in a way when I do explode when things get beyond my tolerance, then the whole issue gets so blown up out of proportion and again I end up feeling that I messed up- and I get labeled “over sensitive”!!
But the voices inside me continue to rage- Thankfully, I can confide in my MIL, amma and DH- and they mostly pacify my raging emotions- they’ve proved to be pretty good safety valves in the past, but sometimes I think the issue is too trivial to create a furore, and yet I want to express the various thoughts- and for this I resort to writing- even when I blog, I first write in my diary and then post it- it is very, very therapeutic and I feel fine…
Blogging to me is a way to cleanse my innermost thoughts- all the conflicts and clashes that collect like dirt...I do not have the courage to express my opinions to others clearly- I try to but when the other person is louder and more vehement, then I just go silent after a time- but the thoughts and words keep struggling to come to the outside- for this purpose I resort to blogging- after shifting to this place, there are very few readers, so that is also a sort of relief... i can be frank...I have this need to be honest, completely honest to myself - I feel stifled with the veneer of politeness that we have to adopt in daily life to avoid confrontations, to ensure peace...and blogging is the outlet for me- it gives me clarity of thought, it helps me sort out things within myself and then move on without pending accounts…
And seeing my thoughts crystallised into words on the coloured template on the monitor gives me a strange sense of high which eliminates all the negativity within me, and I’m at peace with the world :-)
It is still raining-
I think I need to have another blogspot- an anon one- not that this place is frequented by many but still sometimes I need to rave and rant- and I need to do this with aplomb without the niggling fear that I might hurt somebody – I first started blogging to assume an anon persona, but slowly, a new persona evolved on its own and the few people that I got familiar with began associating a particular character to my name- and now I’m imprisoned within this image- and there are times when I want to trespass beyond the boundaries of this virtual persona-
I don’t usually have much to rant and rave about- I’m pretty contented with things as they are..but sometimes it so happens that I have so much to say, but I cannot speak out for fear that I might hurt someone- I’m obsessed about not wounding anybody- even when I get angry- so I just withdraw and seethe in silence- I cannot argue, I hate voices raised in conflict- so I prefer silence- and just because I listen in silence with apparent placidity, people do tend to go overboard – they get the impression that this woman will listen to just about anything and we might as well subject her to whatever it is that we’ve to say- it has happened to me umpteen times- the speaker gets carried away with the fervor of their opinions and they don’t notice how it might be affecting me- I’ve often felt that somehow my body language gives the impression that I need guidance- I need to be enlightened and most people – even those younger at times just go on a binge doling out advice, pointing to me how I’ve erred …Its been the story of my Life…
I’ve only me to blame, because I rarely summon the guts to inform them that they perhaps were mistaken- I keep thinking my words might hurt them- and then once in a way when I do explode when things get beyond my tolerance, then the whole issue gets so blown up out of proportion and again I end up feeling that I messed up- and I get labeled “over sensitive”!!
But the voices inside me continue to rage- Thankfully, I can confide in my MIL, amma and DH- and they mostly pacify my raging emotions- they’ve proved to be pretty good safety valves in the past, but sometimes I think the issue is too trivial to create a furore, and yet I want to express the various thoughts- and for this I resort to writing- even when I blog, I first write in my diary and then post it- it is very, very therapeutic and I feel fine…
Blogging to me is a way to cleanse my innermost thoughts- all the conflicts and clashes that collect like dirt...I do not have the courage to express my opinions to others clearly- I try to but when the other person is louder and more vehement, then I just go silent after a time- but the thoughts and words keep struggling to come to the outside- for this purpose I resort to blogging- after shifting to this place, there are very few readers, so that is also a sort of relief... i can be frank...I have this need to be honest, completely honest to myself - I feel stifled with the veneer of politeness that we have to adopt in daily life to avoid confrontations, to ensure peace...and blogging is the outlet for me- it gives me clarity of thought, it helps me sort out things within myself and then move on without pending accounts…
And seeing my thoughts crystallised into words on the coloured template on the monitor gives me a strange sense of high which eliminates all the negativity within me, and I’m at peace with the world :-)
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